My mother taught us to be nice, that being kind was one of the finest pursuits you could achieve as a human being. She reminded us that, almost without exception, people are doing the best they can and they deserve kindness. If we were asked to dance, we were instructed to say “Yes, thank you, that would be lovely”, because the walk back to the table after someone rejects your offer is a miserable experience. We were taught to offer a smile to everyone we met. Though Henry James is noted for the advice, mom iterated the sentiment often in here own way “There are three things important in life, be kind, be kind and be kind.” You get the picture.

So it is with great trepidation and reluctance I write this post. Come on people, you gotta be f&*%$ kidding me. When it comes to SEO, it’s time for a reality check.

We got a request asking that a company be placed number #1 on Google for the words “moving” “moving company” and “movers” and they wanted to spend less than $1000. Really?? I want to have a commercial during the Super Bowl and spend $8.50, how about that.

It’s like when people make requests for SEO bids they’re playing a game show. “I’ll try ‘Authority Linking’ for $200 Alex”, “I’ll take ‘Content Development’ for $300 Jack”. And at the end of a half hour program, ta da, you’re in the money. Give me a break.

We’ve been patient for a very long time, but help me out here. Search Marketing is a legitimate marketing discipline with one of the best ROI track records of any medium. As Search Professionals, we want to help you, but you gotta work with us. There are times when it’s all I can do not to go into a Jerry Maguire, “Help me, help you, help me to help you!” For the love of everything holy, quit asking stupid questions.

There are 209,000,000 results for the word “wine”. Yes million. How much do you think you should pay for the #1 spot on Google for that term? How long do you think it might take to acquire that position? If you said $450 and 3 weeks, WRONG, go back to your office, email that spammer who keeps telling you you can have it all for just $29.99 and leave me alone.

Please quit asking for the magic SEO short cut. It’s like dieting. There is only one way to be fit-exercise and eat right. Yes you can go on a coffee and peanuts diet and maybe have short term results, but true fitness comes from having a lifestyle that supports fitness. There are varying levels of fitness. You haven’t exercised in 10 years, you can’t run your pantyhose without getting out of breath. You’re not gonna be Tyra Banks overnight . By the same token, your site sucks. Big time. Your not likely going to have a PageRank 7 site and generate thousands of visits daily the day after tomorrow. Get over it.

My mother, who is a hairstylist, used to tell her customers who’d come in looking like Gallagher that they want to look like Andy Gibb, “It’s a pair of scissors dear, not a magic wand”.

Please quit coming to search marketing shows, passing me (and my SEO brethren) business cards and expecting to learn everything we learned about web marketing in the last 12 years over a cocktail and those tiny little sausages. Stop it, stop it right now.

I think this problem started with the concept that anybody can be a search marketer, and it’s true they can. But to be a search marketer that achieves results you need education, expertise and time on the job. Many strategies have to be implemented to create SEO/SEM success. So the next time you have a search marketing question, know that we’re here to help, within reason. If what you’re looking for is a marketing campaign that can help you grow your business over time, with great planning and a reasonable investment, search is just the answer for you. If you’re looking for “become a millionaire overnight”, “grow hair where you’ve never had hair before” or “you too can speak Japanese in just 3 days”, get religion, or a Ouiji board or a trip to the Wizard of Oz or a magic wand…(do me a favor and don’t tell me mom I wrote this;)

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